zondag 7 augustus 2016

This weird and wonderful summer

It's been a while. Actually, it's been a whole season. Months have gone by and I haven't written a single thing. In my latest attempt at writing a blog, I could only come up with this: I am changing.

It was the truth, I was changing. 

I have never told you about the disbalance of my hormones, have I? About how I've spend at least 6 years of my life trying to find the one pill that was right for me but never did? Well.. From early on it became clear that I have a lot of testosteron (a LOT, way too much -- think greasy hair, acne and tired, always so very tired). My doctor suggested taking the pill, to control my hormones a little bit. The first 3 months into a new pill are always like 'yes, this is it!' My skin gets better,  my energy levels are up and I feel my mind changing too; I am more optimistic than I usually am. But then after that short period of time, it actually gets worse than it was before. I get moody, my body reacts differently to food, my relationships with other people change.. I just don't feel like myself anymore. So I stop taking the stupid pill and I feel instantly better. But only for a while, of course. It doesn't take long before my skin gets worse again, I get tired again.. So I try another pill and, surprise, the same story all over again.

But last march, after reading about hormones and the pill and what it does to your body and mind, I decided that enough was enough. These pills made my skin better, but they made my life so much harder. I just didn't know who I was anymore and what my actual feelings were. I had to quit taking them.

The first few weeks without a pill are ok; you feel less heavy because you stopped taking so much hormones, but there are still enough hormones in your body to maintain a normal skin and a steady mind. But once the hormones are gone, I am reminded again of why I was taking the pill in the first place: it just seems like my body needs it. But I didn't give in this time. There are worse things in life than acne, I told myself. And very slowly I started feeling different. It was so weird.. After years I finally started feeling like myself again. 

It hasn't been scientifically proven, but I know from experience that the pill changes everything. It's not just bigger boobs and better skin, it's how your body processes foods too and even how your mind works. In these last few years, my hobbies changed, my passion about the world often disappeared, I became a loner more than just an introvert, I lost friends, I kinda lost my reason to live. Now that sounds heavy, but I don't mean it that way. I wasn't depressed, I was just lethargic all the time.

And that's how I've changed. I am passionate about life again. The days feel like blank sheets again, waiting for me to fill them in. I feel like talking to people again, and I realise now that it is important to have friends. I am kind again. And this all feels so wonderful.

So this summer, in stead of dreading going outside, i leave home every day. I don't just sit here anymore, feeling sorry for myself, and it's made my life so much fuller. My skin is not as beautiful as I wish it were, that's true, but I feel liberated and that's so much more important.



Ps. I miss you all my wonderful blog friends and I think about you a lot. Please know that I am reading along even if I'm not commenting. I hope you are all ok and I hope to talk to you soon. Xo

vrijdag 3 juni 2016

Currently

There's something about the days. They're slower. I do all the same things, yet I feel it in my body: change. I see it in my eyes too, when I look in the mirror.. I recognize my face.




woensdag 20 april 2016

About a boy

I once tought I had fallen in love with beautiful brown eyes
that walked past me, and then followed me into the classroom

I always felt a little bit lost at University
and these eyes became my steady point, and eventually
the only reason I made it through my courses at all

Not once did I speak to the boy they belonged to
but his sheer existence was enough to have me hoping,
longing for something I thought was my future

My future would be made of the stitches of his backpack
and all the other things I could be sure of, like
the way his hair fell over his forehead when he was taking notes

the way he glanced over his shoulder when someone entered the room

All my writing was about him, all my dreams
I built him up with my words and he became everything I needed
to survive

I forgot him when I found myself
and my future became something real

But yesterday, I saw him again and then myself in the reflection of his eyes
Will I always feel this way .. So empty, so estranged

He walked past me again, but this time he didn't follow me
and it didn't matter
because our paths crossing had never meant more than just that

We were just two people in the same classroom
one confused, lonely dreamer
and the other, her unintended everything for a little while


zaterdag 2 april 2016

Inspiration



I was in France last week and that's where I got the idea for this new blog. I haven't really written anything in a long time and I was wondering why. A lot of it has to do with perseverance, I think. You know that quote from Pinterest that says succes is 1% inspiration and 99% of hard work (or something along those lines)? Well, it's always been the other way around for me. My succes, whether that's with writing or school or anything really, has always depended on inspiration. 

Is the house clean, does the sun shine, does my hair look good, have I eaten enough, did I cancel all other plans? Just some of the conditions for a successfull day. There's always something that's keeping me from working hard and for more than half an hour. That's why getting a degree took about 8 years.

The thing is, I'm lazy too. So I never really cared about not doing much. I'm a very down-to-earth optimist as well, so accomplishments have never meant all that much to me either. I always think that everything is going to be ok in the end, no matter what happens. Mix those characteristics and you get some sort of Snorlax kind of girl who seems to have no problems with that.

But then I went to France and I saw things like the picture above. Have I told you about how much I love pine trees? Well, I do very much, almost as much as I love walking in between them. And as I was doing that, surrounded by streams and singing birds, I realized what a terrible waste of time it is to be living life the way I do it. 

There are deers, wild boars and foxes in the woods that are constantly on the hunt in order to be able to live. The trees can only grow if the sun reaches their branches and if it has rained enough. The people in the remote villages need to cultivate their lands, because supermarkets aren't really a thing unless you can afford to drive an hour. And here I am with my feet in the air, watching the days go by.

Nature has no choice, it has to work, it has to move. Walking in those woods, it dawned on me that I am part of this too. I walk these lands, I drink the water, I have to evolve along with the world in order to live, to really live.

And that doesn't mean that accomplisments have to become important to me now. It means that I need to start working for the sake of it. Because, as probably another quote from that same Pinterest board says; it it's not about the destination, it's about the journey. So, I can choose to keep on going nowhere and let the others do the work, or I can try and play my part. 

I often contemplate the meaning of life, but I'm starting to believe that I should let it go. Life is beautiful, that's enough. All I have to do is live it. 

(Not having something to say shouldn't keep me from writing anymore, I should just write.)

vrijdag 1 april 2016

Le petit jour

The reason I write is to find a way to describe that moment right before the day begins, le petit jour. When the sun slowly rises above the buildings on the other side of the street, waking up the birds and already some of us. I always hope it's me, too. That I wake to see the magical curtain of light sliding into the room, the quiet promiss of a good day. Because when I do, I realize again how beautiful the world is. How everything works and flies and evolves, rises and falls. It's humbling, overwhelming and above all inspiring. It makes me feel such a special sort of happiness, and it's what I want my writing to resonate.

This blog will be about all the words I find along the way.

Thank you for finding me here. It was time for a change. It's spring, you know?