It was the truth, I was changing.
I have never told you about the disbalance of my hormones, have I? About how I've spend at least 6 years of my life trying to find the one pill that was right for me but never did? Well.. From early on it became clear that I have a lot of testosteron (a LOT, way too much -- think greasy hair, acne and tired, always so very tired). My doctor suggested taking the pill, to control my hormones a little bit. The first 3 months into a new pill are always like 'yes, this is it!' My skin gets better, my energy levels are up and I feel my mind changing too; I am more optimistic than I usually am. But then after that short period of time, it actually gets worse than it was before. I get moody, my body reacts differently to food, my relationships with other people change.. I just don't feel like myself anymore. So I stop taking the stupid pill and I feel instantly better. But only for a while, of course. It doesn't take long before my skin gets worse again, I get tired again.. So I try another pill and, surprise, the same story all over again.
But last march, after reading about hormones and the pill and what it does to your body and mind, I decided that enough was enough. These pills made my skin better, but they made my life so much harder. I just didn't know who I was anymore and what my actual feelings were. I had to quit taking them.
The first few weeks without a pill are ok; you feel less heavy because you stopped taking so much hormones, but there are still enough hormones in your body to maintain a normal skin and a steady mind. But once the hormones are gone, I am reminded again of why I was taking the pill in the first place: it just seems like my body needs it. But I didn't give in this time. There are worse things in life than acne, I told myself. And very slowly I started feeling different. It was so weird.. After years I finally started feeling like myself again.
It hasn't been scientifically proven, but I know from experience that the pill changes everything. It's not just bigger boobs and better skin, it's how your body processes foods too and even how your mind works. In these last few years, my hobbies changed, my passion about the world often disappeared, I became a loner more than just an introvert, I lost friends, I kinda lost my reason to live. Now that sounds heavy, but I don't mean it that way. I wasn't depressed, I was just lethargic all the time.
And that's how I've changed. I am passionate about life again. The days feel like blank sheets again, waiting for me to fill them in. I feel like talking to people again, and I realise now that it is important to have friends. I am kind again. And this all feels so wonderful.
So this summer, in stead of dreading going outside, i leave home every day. I don't just sit here anymore, feeling sorry for myself, and it's made my life so much fuller. My skin is not as beautiful as I wish it were, that's true, but I feel liberated and that's so much more important.
Ps. I miss you all my wonderful blog friends and I think about you a lot. Please know that I am reading along even if I'm not commenting. I hope you are all ok and I hope to talk to you soon. Xo